GULLIVER’S TRAVELS 2009
(to edit)
Paul
Stebbings with Phil Smith
Adapted
and updated from Jonathan Swift’s novel
A cart is wheeled onstage by the three
actors led by the MASTER
SHOWMAN who bangs a drum; the cart is
fantastic, a moving cabinet of wonders.
SHOWMAN: Roll up! Roll up! For the
travelling show! Adventure, surprises, instructive entertainment. Oh what a
world of delight! What stories, what yarns we will spin sweet fantasies.
GULLIVER'S VOICE from inside the cart: No,
no. It is all true!
SHOWMAN: (Under breath) Silence, beast!
(Pokes cart with stick and GULLIVER howls. Then to audience): What a world of
delight, everything under the sun, the moon and the celestial spheres.
CHORUS: It’s a mad bad world Music Cue 2: Intro + song
It’s the only one we've got!
That is your lot, like it or not!
See it unfurled, a mad, bad, sad, hopping
mad world! (All hop).
VERSE:
Oh -Would you believe that the world is
round when it’s perfectly clear that its flat!
You could never believe in that!
Would you believe that even now in a normal
town you might be walking upside down«
You would say that I lie and I surely do if
I described to you a kangaroo?
What would you do?
Can you make head or tail of it?
Doesn't it make you want to spit! (All do -
SHOWMAN disapproves).
Oh it’s a ... (Repeat chorus).
SHOWMAN: (To actors) All right, all right
don't over do it. Be serious. Hmm hmm, (coughs) My Lords, ladies and gentlemen,
this is an age of marvels and wonders when the limits of the world and the laws
of the universe open to man's understanding. But are there no limits to human
knowledge? Are there no mysteries to be left to God Almighty? Were a man to
know everything he would surely go mad, and here, today we present to you a
cautionary entertainment, a mad Bedlam tale, presented by a man who explored
the limits of human experience and returned quite mad: Gulliver!
(The actors
pull back the curtains and reveal a chained GULLIVER).
GULLIVER: Ah! Humans they stink (of
audience) Stinking humans! Pull back the curtains; hide the monsters from my
sight! I hate you, disgusting beasts!
SHOWMAN: Silence lunatic, bow to the good
people. (Whips GULLIVER - forcing him with the handle of the whip – GUL Turns
and farts at audience – SHOWMAN beats him) I am terribly sorry, Ladies and
gentlemen – his adventures have not improved his manners. Rat!
Actor 1: Hey – easy, easy. You’re too cruel
with him!
SHOWMAN: I paid for him didn’t I, I feed
him, I can do what I like with him, and you hold your tongue or you are back in
the gutter. Actors! Bah, beggars more like.
GULL: Humans! Yuck! Stinking vile… Save me!
(Actor strokes Gulliver).
SHOWMAN: Easy now. That's my fellow. (An
actor strokes his head and feeds him something small, which calms GULLIVER who
starts to cry).
GULLIVER: You are a mirror – and when I
look at you I sink into a deep hatred not only of you – but an even deeper
hatred and horror of myself.
SHOWMAN: Yes, yes. So, here we are Ladies
and gentlemen. The Travels of Gulliver. A parable that teaches us to be content
with what we have and happy with what we know. Travel makes you mad – stay at
home – that’s my advice. Gulliver's brain turned like the world inside his
skull. Let us hang on to our own sanity! As we watch:
ALL: Gulliver's Travels! Cue 3: Music underscore
SHOWMAN: This man, Lemuel Gulliver, ship's
Captain and doctor, sailed from Bristol
on the good ship Antelope on the 4th May 1710, bound for the South Seas. That
much we know,.
GULLIVER: No! This is MY story – let me out
– (they do). Leave off me – give me my coat and hat (a tricorn – he places it
on himself – calms down with its dignity).
I, Lemuel Gulliver was condemned by fate to an active and restless
nature – ever dissatisfied with what I have and ever curious about what I do
not know. The ocean, the sea…the
unknown calls me! Raise the flag – I am Captain Gulliver, commander of the good
ship Antelope – sailors stand before the flag and salute the majesty of Great
Britain!
(The cast form
up as sailors – sail is hoisted and a flag raised).
Sailors: Aye, aye
Captain!
GULL: God Save the Queen!
Sailors: Hurrah!
Bad sailor: (aside) and damn the
Captain and his Queen.
GULL:
Sailors, we make this voyage for profit, for ourselves and our dear
country. But let us remember that at all times we also represent Great Britain,
our noble homeland, the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France and
arbiter of Europe, the seat of virtue, religion and truth; Britain the pride
and envy of the world! Imagine how
terrible to be born a foreigner!
Gentlemen; the National
Anthem. (They start to sing but
only GULL is left saluting the flag with one sailor as two sailors come
downstage). Underscore fades
Bad Sailor 1: Poppycock this is! I say we wait till we be at sea then toss
this noble Briton overboard and sail for a pirate!
Bad sailor
2: Virtue and
religion at sea? Let him preach to the fish!
Both joining in end of anthem: God sod our Queen.
GULL: And we sailed for many weeks south
around the tip of Africa – all the while my trusting to a lying crew! The Cape
of Good Hope sailors!
Good
sailor: Hurrah!
Bad Sailor: Tonight we do it – that’s my hope.
Good
Sailor: Do what?
Bad S:
Send this fool swimming!
GS: That is mutiny!
BS: Sense, good sense. There’s no profit for us from so honest a
fool as Captain Lemuel Gulliver!
GS: I’ll report you knave!
(BS 2 jumps on
him from behind and puts knife to throat).
BS: Would you die for your Captain and his
virtue, fool?
GS: Spare me, for my children.
BS: Are you with us?
GS: (Pauses) Is there gold in this?
BS:
Much.
GS: I am with you. (The three lock arms).
God sod the Queen and her Captain.
BS: Pirates – we’ll let him swim and turn
the ship West for the Caribbean!
GS: When?
BS 1 & 2: Tonight.
GULL: Night falls on the good ship
Antelope. (He checks position by stars and sleeps – a lantern swings in the
dark). Good night, sailor, God Bless
you.
BS: Aye, Sir. (Aside) The Devil take your
soul.
(Sea mist the creaking of the ship – the
sailors throw aside hats and take pirate headscarves and creep up on GULL –
they capture him and drag him before the mast where they run up the Jolly Roger
and pass round the rum). Cue 4: Ship/sea b/ground
GULL: Get your filthy hands off me! I am
the Captain – second only to God and the Queen on this ship – your rebel
against both if you rebel against me!
BS: Shut your fine mouth before I cut out
your tongue!
All: God sod the Queen. God sod god!
GULL: God forgive you, her majesty will not
– the punishment for mutiny is death!
Sailors: Walk the plank, walk the plank, walk
the plank!
GULL: Mercy, mercy – I am a man like you!
Sailors: Death, Death, Drown, Drown!
GULL: Fellow humans – see yourselves in me!
Have you no pity – no humanity?
BS: 1: (Growls and leaps around like an
ape). See I’m a monkey, Captain, (all
laugh) not a noble Briton. We are all
monkeys, “Sir”, and we live for rum, whores and gold – eh my lads?
(All cheer). We’re to the Caribbean and you are for a nice
swim. Preach your noble bollocks to the
fish. Onto the plank with him.
GULL: Animals! Cue 5: Music Underscore
(They tie Gulliver’s hands and push him
onto a plank and out over the audience – chanting and clapping – he “falls”
into the sea and is swept away – the actors take a large blue sheet and make a
sea. GULL is left swimming and drags himself
eventually to land on stilts he stands against the back screen/cart and appears
exhausted/unconscious. A boy appears – all the people in Lilliput walk on their
knees).
BOY: A giant! Unbelievable! A monster of a
man! Daddy Daddy! Look a giant!
MAN: (Enters from wings or behind cart on
knees). Stupid child! (Hits boy who howls). There is no such thing as a - (sees
GULLIVER) A giant! Unbelievable! A monster of a man! Officer! Officer!
SOLDIER: Stupid man! (Hits Husband who
howls) There is no such thing as a... (Sees Giant) Giant! Unbelievable! A
monster of a man! I must report this immediately to the Minister of Defence!
ALL: Two hours later.
MINISTER of DEFENCE: Ladies and gentlemen of Lilliput as Minister of Defence It Is my duty to
protect you. I have consulted the experts and I can assure you that giants do
not exist.
SOLDIER: (Salutes) Honourable Minister,
sir. What shall we do about the giant that does not exist?
MIN of DEF:
(Sees giant tries to Ignore It). Er well ... tie him up, tie him down.
Nail him to the ground. Ladies and
gentlemen of Lilliput, voters… When I said to you that giants do not exist, I
was In fact correct. GiantS do not exist, but this giant does exist and I have
protected you from It (starts self
applause). That Is surely why I was appointed Minister of Defence. And now I shall consult the cabinet. Cabinet!
(Enter Ministers)
MINISTERS: How very big!
PRIME MINISTER: Then at least we agree on
something!
MIN of DEF: Silence! Prime Minister what
are we going to do?
PRIME MIN: Good question. Is there a health
risk, Minister?
MINISTER OF HEALTH: As Minister of Health I
believe there is a risk of jumping to conclusions over the question: is the
giant a health risk.
MIN of DEF: As Minister of Defence I find
it indefensible that we cannot reach a conclusion. We must consider if the
giant is a threat to the state.
PRIME MIN: Is he?
MIN of DEF: Yes. Minister of Health: No.
(Simultaneous, they correct each other).
PRIME MIN: All those in favour of passing a
motion raise their hands. (All Ministers raise their hands).
MIN HEALTH: Well? Are we going to kill the
giant or not?
ALL: You decide, no you, no you. (Collapse exhausted – stand up). He/She
decided – it’s nothing to do with me – (putting Minister of Defence on the
spot). You are the Minister of Defence…
MIN of DEF: Right it’s decided then. He
might be an enemy egg eater from the evil kingdom of Brobdingnag We kill him!
PRIME MIN: I don't remember voting for
that. It might be dangerous to attack the giant.
MIN of DEF: Very well I move a compromise
vote: someone else kills him.
ALL: Who?
MIN of DEF:
The people.
MIN HEALTH: Did you vote for that?
PM: This is a parliamentary democracy –
they vote for us then we decide what they must do – the people deciding things – whatever next!
MIN HEALTH:
But this Is a democracy Prime Minister.
Allow me. People of Lilliput, all those in favour of the Minister of Defence killing the giant sit
down. There you are. Democracy. Citizen,
if you defy the majority you defy...the People.
(The Minister of D fires the "poisoned arrow" at Gulliver who wakes with a howl, the man
fires once more and hits Gulliver's nose, he sneezes and blows over the
Lilliputians).
GULLIVER: What's that? Ooh! Who are you?
Why am I tied up (He cannot see them and they have to gain his attention)? Let
me go! (He roars and breaks free. They ail scamper away in fear cringing behind
the public crying out):
MIN of HEALTH: Eat him not me? (Audience
member). He did it – he fired at you not me.
ALL: Not us it was… HIM!
PRIME MIN: Oh eat her she's much more
tender and juicy than me!"
MIN of DEF: Help, Help, I am the Minister
of Defence you must defend me! Help mummy!"
GULLIVER: I am not going to eat anybody. I
am an Englishman not a cannibal.
PRIME MIN: Are the Englishmen attacking us?
Are you an army?
GULLIVER: I am not attacking anyone; I am a
shipwrecked Englishman, Gulliver.
PRIME MIN: We are delighted to meet you, Mr
Englishman Gulliver.
ALL: Unanimously delighted.
MIN of HEALTH: You are a good egg!
ALL: A good egg!
GULLIVER: An egg?
PRIME MSN: All the world was divided
between those wonderful, democratic people who have jointly decided to eat
their eggs from the top and those vile fools who under their barbaric
dictatorship eat their eggs from the bottom. Do you eat eggs at all?
GULLIVER: I most certainly do, and I eat
them from...(thinking) the top!
LILLIPUTIANS: (Sing). Cue 6: Song/Dance
Hooray, Hooray, Eggs, Eggs, Eggs, Eggs eat
them from the top
Anything else is uncivilised rot so eat
them from the top
Dip your spoon into the yolk and behave
like decent folk
When cracking your egg do not bother your
head
But aim straight for the top
If you are tempted to bite the bottom
Stop, stop, stop, stop only eat your egg
from the top!
ALL: (Shout) Down with the bottom biters of
Brobdingnag!
PRIME MIN: It is clear Mr Englishman that
you are in reality nothing more than a big Lilliputian. I hereby declare you to
be a citizen of this great country.
GULLIVER: Well, thank you.
MIN of HEALTH: And I nominate you to become
a member of the ruling party.
GULLIVER: Are there any advantages in all
this?
ALL: What!
MIN of DEF: There is no greater honour or
pleasure than being in the party.
MIN of HEALTH: You get to scratch each
other's backs. (They do so).
PM: Bend over. Right hand me the sword.
(She advances on Gulliver).
GULL: What, are you doing?
PM : A simple operation - we cut off your left ear.
GULLIVER: Get off! Go away!
PRIME MIN: Listen, Gulliver, there are huge
advantages in joining our party but you must fit in. Years ago we used to have
two fiercely opposed parliamentary groups - the right ears and the left ears.
Then we discovered that in reality we had no political differences so we formed
a coalition government the left-right ears. It is a centre party, we hold the
balance of power in parliament (Falls over), we are the centre party and what a
party!
ALL: (Sing and dance a contorted physical
dance based on mutual scratching, licking and tickling). Cue 7: Music/Dance scene
Oh what a party
The party of the centre, the party of the
middle ground
A balancing act that we have found
So seize your chance
For a back slapping, back scratching, arse
licking dance
Leap to power, crawl to superiors, grovel
to the great, pretend to
love the one you hate.
Sleep with the enemy; swallow your pride,
if you have no morality
you've nothing to hide!
Lick and scratch, Lick and snatch
Dip and scratch, grease and fleece
We don't care what we catch
Lick that bum and scratch that back
Go for a tumble in the sack!
And when you've sold off all ideals then
you will plainly see '
In the real world this is the place to be
Is the middle of the road, super centred,
back scratching, arse
licking, balance of power party
(All fall down
and crawl towards Gulliver, they begin to tickle his toes
and even suck them - he rather enjoys
this).
GULLIVER: Oh I say...ooh…ah. I mean, stop
it.
PRIME MIN: I thought you would enjoy being
a member of the ruling party. (But the Minister of Health has meanwhile stuck
an ear on his nose).
MINISTER OF HEALTH: Now you are one of us.
MIN of DEF: And as a citizen of Lilliput ad
member of the party S will conscript you into the navy and create you an
Admiral.
MINISTERS: All hail to the Grand Admiral of
Lilliput!
MIN of DEF: All those in favour of the
Lilliputian navy attacking the Brobdinag bottom egg eating bastards right now,
breathe in and out. (BOY breathes in and
holds breath).
ALL: Motion carried.
GULLIVER: If I am an admiral where is my
navy?
PRIME MIN: Can you swim?
GULLIVER: Yes.
ALL: You are our navy.
MIN DEF: To war!
GULLIVER: Why should I attack Brobdinag?
Just so you can take over their land and run it as a colony. It will bring you
nothing but trouble. Why don't you just talk to them?
PRIME MIN: No dialogue with terrorists!
They must unconditionally surrender before we talk to them. They must put away
their weapons, jump in a lake with a stone round their necks and after they
have died we will trust their democratic principles and agree to talk to them.
GULL: Why do you hate the people of
Brobdignag?
PM: Oh Admiral Gulliver how we have
suffered from these terrorists. Look at
his little girl, she's crying. (One of audience) Her grandmother was killed by
the bottom egg eaters! (Offers her chocolate)
Look gold if you cry now – cry! Don’t you like gold? (Etc). Is your
great grand mother dead? Yes? Killed by the Brobdinag terrorists, yes! (Etc).
MIN of DEF: And this woman's husband was
tortured by the bottom egg eaters, yes! No! No! She cries she cannot bear to
tell the terrible tale of...
ALL: The Brobdinag bottom egg eating
bastards!
PRIME MIN: Our people suffer.
MIN OF DEF: (Sings) Oh Giant
ALL: (Sing) Set my people free! (They
cower). Cue 8: Short Gospel Harmony
GULLIVER: Phew! Since you are so afraid, so
tiny, so obsessed with trivial terrors I will pity you. I will.... destroy the
Brobdingnag battle fleet. Then as an island you will be safe. But I will not
hurt the people of Brobdingnag or make them slaves.
MIN of DEF: Oh just hurt them a little,
break there eggs, ruin their day!
GULLIVER: I have spoken, I am a giant. I
have given a judgement. I will dispense justice not revenge!
ALL: To war! Cue 9: Song – still Gospel?
ALL: Long live Lilliput, lie down for what
is right (they do).
Long live little Lilliput, Stand behind the
giant and fight
Whoever is strong can never be wrong
Long live long legged big headed Gulliver!
(Gulliver goes off - sounds of smashing glass and broken
bottles
offstage. He returns with a broken toy boat
and some twigs and
string).
GULLIVER See, see the um, (remembers) the
battle fleet of the Brobdingnags. See me crush their flagship Do you all feel
better now?
ALL: Long live long legged big fisted
fierce footed Gulliver!
PRIME MIN: A feast, a toast. Minister of
Health - the wine! (They hand Gulliver lots of miniature bottles that he drinks
and promptly yawns becomes drowsy, propping himself up against the cart).
GULLIVER: Oh thank you. Just a small one.
Mmm. The fruits of victory.
MINISTER OF HEALTH: See how war and victory
makes our Giant greatly amused.
PRIME MIN: What opportunities Little
Lilliput has to dominate the (makes globe shape with hands). What a weapon we
have!
MIN of DEF: I will launch him on our
enemies again. (Coughs). Gulliver, Gulliver. I know you said that you would not
enslave the Brobdinags for us, but I'm sure that if I, Minister of Defence were
to ask you, to er hold out your hand, (heaves a sack of gold into it) then you
would think again. These principles of yours, liberty and all that, well,
Liberty is not something to share with our enemies. We must destroy evil
dictatorship; it is a matter of principle, of morality.
GULLIVER Go away Minister, a nation that
enslaves others loses its own dignity. (Burp). The English have learnt that in
Ireland.
MIN of DEF: England, Ireland, Shmireland. I
am not talking about fantasy lands, but real countries, Lilliput, Brobdinag…
I…I… I command you in the name of liberty to kill and enslave our enemies - I
am Minister of Defence. If you refuse-
GULLIVER: What?
MIN of DEF: If you refuse you will be a…
traitor. And the punishment for treason is....really horrible!
GULLIVER: Oh go away you silly little man.
(Falls asleep).
MIN of DEF: I am not silly. I am not
little, I am enormously important. Did you hear me? How dare you fall asleep?
Call the Cabinet, assemble Parliament, the dignity of the democratically
elected officers has been undermined.
PRIME MIN Order, order. Parliament is
assembled (the audience). I call on the Minister of Defence to speak:
MIN of DEF: Honourable members, why do we
tolerate bla (Blowing up a balloon as he
speaks). Bla bla bla etc (Applause).
PRIME MIN: Hear Hear! I call on the
Minister of Health to second the motion.
MINISTER OF HEALTH: Thank you Prime
Ministers. Honourable members, (blowing up balloon and himself puffing with
importance as he speaks). Bla
bla bla etc.
MIN of DEF & PRIME MIN: Hear Hear.
PRIME MIN: Bla bla bla etc (finally) So that Is It!
All: Hear hear!
MIN HEALTH: What is "it"?
MIN of DEF:
We will kill the giant.
MON HEALTH: You can't kill the giant. He is
too big.
PRIME MIN: Oh yes we can.
MIN of DEF: We have the most powerful
weapon in the world:
ALL: Parliamentary hot air! (They wave
their balloons).
MIN HEALTH:
But but but…While I absolutely agree with you that t this Is a
wonderful weapon of mass destruction
might I as a minister responsible for Health and Safety – especially my own
health and safety, warn and worry the cabinet that we might just set all Lilliput on fire!
MIN of DEF: Impossible this Is s smart weapon targeted only on the
target. It will only kill the giant!
